are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
