i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
