I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
