Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
