I want to have your abortion
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
