I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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