Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
