Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
