I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
