I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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