My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
