I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
