thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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