Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
