I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
