He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
