Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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