It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got inside last night via doggy door
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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