My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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