We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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