you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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