So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
