I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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