i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
