I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Vodka?
Forever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
