Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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