You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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