I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
