im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
