nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
