i think my tv is drunk
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
