Duck Duck Cougar?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
