Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
