Pappa wants mamma naked
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
