I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
