Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
