I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
