so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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