So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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