I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
