OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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