How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
