How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
