the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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