Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
oh god the rape fog is back!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
