The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
