if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
