I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He's on the porch naked. Help.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
