let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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