i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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