Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
