I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
